


seven times

by Ashfen



Series: Scared of Running but Terrified of Staying [1]
Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Suicide, Blame shifting, Body Shaming, Domestic Violence, Drabble, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gaslighting, Hospitals, I think collectively we can all say fuck Kaede, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Physical Abuse, Rat poison but not for rats, Self-Hatred, Technically all of this is a flashback, Threats of Violence, Yatake thinks Haruki is cyuuuuuuute, also Sakio supremacy, dubcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:40:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27048850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashfen/pseuds/Ashfen
Summary: On average it takes a victim of domestic violence seven attempts before they successfully leave their abuser, for any number of reasons.Haruki had always been average in most things.
Relationships: Nakayama Haruki/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Scared of Running but Terrified of Staying [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2136237
Comments: 15
Kudos: 65





	1. Apologies

**Author's Note:**

> Here I am, back at it again with the abusive ex headcanons

The first time was in the middle of a fight, back when they were still in high school. They'd been screaming at each other for hours, and Haruki just wanted to sleep.  
He said he was going home, and that he didn't want to see Kaede again until he started thinking about Haruki's feelings.  
He missed his friends. Kaede got mad when he spent time with them. Kade hated him spending time with anyone _but_ him, even his sisters. 

Or rather, _especially_ his sisters.  
He'd loved it at first; they picked on him incessantly for this or that, so being told "Stay with me so you don't spend so much time at home then" was amazing.  
But then over time they stopped picking on him, and started telling him strange things about Kaede. Things that started to explain why so many of his friends were starting to avoid him.  
Kaede was harassing them, threatening his best friends every time they talked to him. 

That was when Kaede got pushy about him staying away from his sisters, and that was why they were currently arguing.  
"They're just gonna keep feeding you lies about me! God, don't you _ever_ think?!"  
"I don't care! I just wanna go home, Kaede…!"  
_"You're not going anywhere!"_

The next thing he remembered was a sharp sting on his face and Kaede's hand suspended in the air, his eyes widening before shocked tears started to roll down his face.  
Kaede's expression shifted from sheer fury into mortified guilt, lowering his hand as he pulled a now crying Haruki into his arms.  
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Haruki… I didn't mean to, I'm sorry." He ran his hand through the honey blonde hair below him as he cooed his apologies to the teen sobbing into his chest. "I just got so angry, you listen to other people too much Haru, they know you're gullible so they tell you lies about me because they don't want us to be happy. That's why I got so angry Haru, I'm sorry."

Haruki heard Kaede sigh when he wrapped his arms around the other teen's chest and squeezed him, the blonde still sniffling and whimpering.  
"It's my fault Kae… m'sorry for being so– so gullible and, and causing you so much trouble…"  
"It's okay Haru, I know you didn't mean to. Just listen to me more from now on, okay? It's alright…" 

The first time Haruki tried to leave, Kaede hit him for the first time ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also YES I'M SAYING THIS PRE-EMPTIVELY BUT HARUKI IS BEING MANIPULATED INTO THINKING THINGS LIKE THIS I'm not. Trying to write him as this yes man crybaby like that's how he always is, I'm writing him like that to show that something's _wrong_.


	2. Blame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dubcon tw in this chapter!

The second time Haruki tried to leave was because Kaede didn't let him say no. 

  
  


"You'll be _fine_ . Sheesh, do you really think you're _that_ tight?" 

They were at Kaede's apartment and he had Haruki on his knees on the bed, his rear held up in the air by the brunette's firm grip on his hips. It wasn't his first time, but it _was_ the first time he wasn't going to be on his back. Kaede had said that he couldn't stand to look at the honey blonde from the front during sex for a lot of reasons, but the only ones Haruki could remember were that apparently the faces he made were ugly, and that his stomach and thighs looked weird when he was laying down. _'there's too much excess skin,'_ he'd said, _'it's all because you're fat.'_

And whatever he said was true, right? Kaede had never lied to him before, so it had to be true. 

Still, they were horny teenagers fresh out of high school, and horny teenagers always found a way. 

"I-it might still hurt though…"

"Everyone says that doin' it from the back makes things easier. Quit being such a baby about it." Haruki looked down quietly, and the brunette huffed. "For _fucks'_ sake, just say something if you don't like it you crybaby!" 

Then Kaede roughly pushed into him, and the honey blonde bit down on the pillow he was clinging to. "K– Kaede–!" 

"This part _always_ hurts Haru, suck it up." The only prep he'd done was spitting on Haruki's entrance - something that had made the honey blonde feel sick to his stomach - beforehand, and it _hurt_ . It hurt more than it _ever_ did normally, when he was on his back. He heard Kaede grunt lowly, and the grip the brunette had on his hips only got tighter as Haruki whimpered. "Shit, you're really tight."

He felt Kaede's length forcefully pushed further in, and the honey blonde looked back at him with watering eyes. "I-I don't like this Kaede…!" 

"You're probably all tense from your stupid whining." The brunette pushed in a bit further, and Haruki stared desperately at him. "It's _your_ fault if it hurts, so quit crying about it."

So he did. 

It didn't hurt any less; he was probably still tensing up a lot. 

He couldn't do anything right. He was such an idiot. 

He couldn't even look attractive, that's why they had to change things in the first place. 

Haruki felt lightheaded after he came, so dizzy that the room was spinning. 

He didn't want to be around Kaede anymore. 

So he tugged his clothes back on and stumbled outside despite the brunette yelling after him, pulling out his phone in a daze. 

**Neechan**

saki

wat

iwanns

gonhome

What happened? 

where are you 

leaingv kaedes

leabifn

leaving

dizzy

_Neechan sent an attachment._

go there and wait for me

OK??? 

sorry

its ok

as your big sister

it's my job to get you out of trouble

and also to annoy you as payment

💙💙💙💙

💛

wanna call while you walk? 

what happened? 

youdl think its weird

youll

Did Kaede do something? 

itsmmy ownfault

I dont care

Did he hurt you

he didnf mean to

Stop making excuses for him dumbass

what did he do

dontnwanna talk aboutnig

it

Different question

why are you dizzy?

were you drinking? 

no

always get dizzy after we do thjsngs

things? 

sex

Oh my god

HARUKI????? 

I hate you so much 

WHY DIDN'T I KNOW ABOUT THIS

how long have you two been together? 

HOW LONG HAVE YOU LIKED BOYS?? 

why would i tell you

youd justcall it weird

nd say that kaede made me weird

Haruki

you're weird for a million reasons

you've been a weirdo since you were born

but you're not weird because of that

not a weirdo

You're a total weirdo

You put sugar in your noodles

that wasone time

When we were little

After it rained

if you saw a worm on the sidewalk

You'd always cry about it

they got lost!!

it was sad!!

Maybe

But you'd always make ME put them back

shh

I see you

Get in the car weirdo!! 

  
  
  


He didn't talk to Kaede again for a week. 


	3. Realism

The third time, they'd already graduated a few months before. They were preparing to move into the apartment Kaede paid for, and Haruki had been trying to find the right time to speak up since even before they'd left school. 

It just sort of tumbled out of him while they were assembling the bed. 

"I wanna go to a university in Kyoto." 

Kaede froze, his eyes locked on the bed frame as Haruki noticed the brunette's grip on the screwdriver he was holding tightening. 

Fear swept through him.

"What?" 

Since the first time he'd done it almost eight months ago, Kaede had only ever actually hit him two other times, but the honey blonde knew he'd come close to it more times than he could count. It looked like this would be another one. 

"I-I already took the exam… and if they accept me… if– if I start packing now, I'll still have time to sort everything out when the results come out."

Kaede didn't speak. It was deafeningly quiet between them for what felt like hours, an eternity of the honey blonde fidgeting fearfully as the brunette in front of him stared fiercely at the bed frame. 

His knuckles were white as he spoke. 

"What makes you think they'd accept someone like you?" 

"... Huh?" 

He stopped fidgeting only to stare blankly at the other, eyes wide. What was he talking about? 

"What would you even major in?"

"... I was… thinking of majoring in film–"

Then the brunette scoffed, tossing the screwdriver he'd been clenching so tightly aside as he stood up. 

Haruki had grown since high school, but Kaede still towered over him - the honey blonde shrunk back. 

" _ Film? _ Are you serious? What the fuck are you gonna do with a  _ film _ degree Haruki?" 

Kaede was laughing at him. Why? Why was he laughing? He'd thought a film degree was a good idea, everyone said so. So why was Kaede laughing? 

"I… I figured it would–" 

"You're not gonna find any sort of job you could live off of with a goddamn  _ film _ degree Haru. Get real."

The honey blonde went to disagree, but stopped himself; the more he thought about it, the more he realized that Kaede was right. He  _ couldn't _ do anything with a film degree. 

"Th-then I could change my major to–" 

"Why would they even accept you?" 

He froze. 

"What do you mean?" 

Kaede was laughing again. It was a bitter sound, nothing like the way he used to laugh when they were in high school. 

"Ever since I'd even seen your name on the placements for exam results you've always been in the lower half. Why would they even want someone average, let alone someone  _ stupider _ than that like you?" 

Haruki looked down quietly, his thoughts racing as he stood there silently. Once again Kaede was right; he'd always just barely been in the average for their exams, and he'd always had lower grades. 

If they even accepted him in at all, what would he do with a film degree?

The idea just seemed stupider and stupider the more he thought about it, until Haruki let out a shaky, resigned sigh. 

"... You're right. Forget I said anything about it."

"I'm the only one that'll love you like this Haruki. If you leave, you'll always be alone; don't forget that."

He didn't even bother to check. 


	4. Implications

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoa!!! Two chapters in one day?!

The fourth time had been simple: 

Another fight. 

Haruki said he was going to stay at his mama's until Kaede could calm down. 

Kaede got violent.

  
  


_ "Don't you fucking dare!" _

Haruki was shoved against a wall in the bedroom,  _ his _ hands around his throat as the honey blonde struggled against  _ him _ . 

"Let me… go–!" 

_ "Do you think I'm an idiot? You think I can't see what you're trying to do?! You've already tried this trick before you fucking moron!" _

"Kae… de…–!" 

He was seeing spots when  _ he _ let him drop, the honey blonde falling to his knees as he sucked in air. When he looked up,  _ he _ was gone. 

Haruki's hands were trembling as he started silently stuffing clothes into a bag, constantly looking back over his shoulder for  _ him _ to come back.  _ He _ didn't. The entire apartment was quiet save for his shuddering breaths, but he'd never heard the door. Kaede was still lurking around somewhere, he just didn't know where. 

  
  
  


Standing in front of the entrance Haruki was frozen stiff, eyes wide and gaze locked on the tall brunette leaning against the frame with no emotion reflected in those orange eyes. 

_ "Fine, go. I'm not gonna stop you anymore; you're too stupid to get it through your head that it's a horrible idea." _

Haruki didn't move. 

Kaede opened the door. 

_ "Go ahead. Do it." _

He stayed perfectly still. 

_ He _ sighed loudly. 

_ "I won't bite Haruki. Go." _

The honey blonde took it one step at a time, willing his body through every movement until they were before the threshold. 

Kaede was right next to him. 

_ "Just know that if you take even one step out that door, you're not going to be the one to pay for it." _

He froze again. 

_ "Where did you say you were going? Your mom's?"  _

_ He _ sneered as a large pit began to grow in Haruki's stomach. 

_ "She's a nice woman. I might drop by." _

Kaede had him beat, and  _ he _ probably knew it. 

_ "Go on." _

"I… I changed my mind."

_ "Did you?" _

"I'm staying here."

_ He _ shut the door with a smirk, tracing  _ his _ fingers along the marks  _ he _ left on Haruki's neck. 

_ "Glad you're staying baby. C'mon, let's have make up sex." _

Haruki quietly stared at the door still shut before him. 

Then he turned back with an absent expression, and followed Kaede. 

"... Right."


	5. Changes

The fifth time was in the dead of night. He'd woken up scared and alone as usual - Kaede was there, but it wasn't worth the bruises he'd get to wake  _ him  _ up. Not like  _ he _ would comfort him, anyway. 

He'd never unpacked the bag from that night. It'd been almost a year ago, Haruki had just stuffed it under the bed out of fear that if he was caught unpacking it  _ he _ would get the wrong idea.

His wallet was in there too.

When he'd went to live with Kaede after graduating - God, had it really already been two years? - his oldest sister Sakio had given him an old wallet. She'd told him to never tell Kaede about it, to keep it closed, and that he'd know when he'd need to open it. 

  
  


Haruki only opened it once he was a few kilometers away from the apartment. He'd been walking for a while it felt like, so it had to've been at least one. 

¥10,000.  _ (~$95USD) _

The honey blonde felt like he could cry. 

  
  
  


He was in some store using the payphone after buying food. Apparently it was a little past two in the morning. 

"Whatever the hell you're selling, it better be good to be waking me up this late."

"Sakio…?" 

"Haruki! Oh my God, where are you?! Is that son of a bitch with you? Are you alright, safe?"

"I– I don't know where I am besides it being some convenience store… Kaede's still asleep at the apartment, I think. I'm safe for now."

"God, I wish I could just pick you up right now… do you think you could find the house from where you are?"

"Maybe, but… it's best I don't."

"What? Why not?" 

"Kaede… once he realizes I'm gone, it'll be the first place he looks, and if he finds me there he'll hurt mama, I know he will."

"The hell he would!" 

"I-I… actually, I just wanted to call you to say I'm okay, and to say thanks. Could you… could you tell mama that I'm alright? A-and that I'm sorry?" 

He heard her sigh on the other end, and held his breath. 

"... Fine. But only this once, got it? Next time you do your own dirty work."

Haruki smiled, letting out a small sigh of relief. 

"I will. Thanks Saki… I really hope I'll see you soon."

"You will. Love you Haruki."

"Love you too. Sorry for waking you up."

He heard Sakio laugh before hanging up, and smiled again.

  
  
  


It only took a few days for the money to run out after Haruki's idea to buy a tent and a blanket, and now almost a week later he stood in front of his mama's house.  _ He _ wouldn't still be looking there for him after so long, right? It was his last resort; he didn't want to put her in danger. Lightly knocking on the door, the honey blonde braced himself. 

The door opened to the one person he didn't want to see. 

"Kae–"

_ "Haruki!" _

Arms tightly wrapped around him. 

Four years ago this would've been the part where Haruki started sobbing into  _ his _ chest, apologizing profusely as  _ he _ gently whispered to him how it was all his fault. 

But four years could do a lot to a person; four years could ruin someone's life and make them unrecognizable. 

So this time, Haruki went stiff in  _ his _ embrace. 

_ "If you tell her even one bit of the truth I'll beat the woman within an inch of her life. You're lucky I haven't killed her yet since you ran away." _

Words harshly hissed in his ear before  _ he _ pulled away. 

Then his mother came downstairs. He hadn't seen her since he first moved over two years ago.

Haruki felt sick. 

"Sorry for worrying you mama."

She stared at him silently for a little while before finally coming closer. 

"You look twenty years older."

He managed a half-hearted chuckle. 

"You look exactly the same mama."

"Is everything alright?" 

Four years ago he would've smiled and reassured her that everything was great, and that he was happy. 

Now he could only shrug. 

"Never better."

She made a face, but didn't push him for more. 

"You've gotten thin."

_ "Ha! Has he really?" _

Kaede casually wrapped an arm over his shoulder, like  _ he _ used to before any of this had started. Haruki didn't react, and his mama ignored Kaede's quip. 

"Are you eating enough?" 

_ No.  _ "Yeah."

_ "We should get going; I'm sure you wanna take a shower yeah?" _

She looked at him quietly, searching for confirmation. 

Haruki relented. 

"Yeah. I probably smell pretty bad huh?" 

_ He _ laughed. 

_ "Dude, you reek." _

Kaede basically pulled him to the car after that, and the honey blonde got one last fleeting look at his mama as they drove off. She looked worried. 

"... Was Sayaka there? Or Chiho?" 

_ "Chiho was. But she left before you came to go to the hospital." _

Haruki froze up, looking over at Kaede in horror. 

"... Why?" 

_ "Why do you think? I stuck Sayaka in there when you ran off. You really must not give a shit about your family Haru… that's pretty sick." _

He didn't speak as he ran the words through his head on repeat, tears welling up in his eyes as he looked down. He'd known what the consequences would be and he did it anyway; he had to be sick. Only a terrible person would do something like that. 

Four years could change a person. 

Four years could make someone want to die.


	6. Poison

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Attempted Sui tw in this chapter!

The sixth time he tried to leave, there was blood and vomit. Kaede was a blur in the doorway as he collapsed onto the floor. 

Dying was an escape, wasn't it? 

  
  
  


_ "Let me see him." _

Sakio Nakayama stood in front of the door between her unconscious brother and his boyfriend, glaring up at him with her arms crossed. 

"Go to hell Kaede. I know you had something to do with this."

_ "I'm the one who called the ambulance!" _

"But you had  _ something _ to do with why he did it! I  _ know _ you did! Ever since you two got together my little brother's been miserable, and he doesn't even realize it! You're ruining his life!" 

_ "You're exaggerating little gir–" _

"He tries to kill himself with rat poison, and YOU THINK I'M  _ EXAGGERATING?! _ " She didn't care how loud she was anymore; Haruki would definitely be upset if he found out but she was  _ finished _ putting up with this bastard. "He's lucky he didn't die!  _ You're _ lucky he didn't die, or else you'd be a bloodstain on the wall right about now! In fact, I might just do it anyway!" 

_ "You think you can do a goddamn thing to me? You'd better shut your mouth before I shut it for you!" _

The young woman sneered. 

"You wouldn't dare; not when there are so many cameras around." The two were in each other's faces, and Sakio remained unflinching. "Stay away from my brother, and don't try coming here again; you might get hurt."

  
  
  


Haruki blearily opened his eyes to the ceiling of a hospital room, and the faces of his two younger sisters and mother. 

"What…?"

"You're such an idiot!" "I'm so glad you're okay!" "Don't ever do that again!" 

The overlapping voices made him tense up, recoiling slightly until his family stopped. 

"Where's Saki…?" 

His youngest sister Chiho was the one who responded. "She's talking to the nurses to make sure your  _ jerk _ friend can't be allowed to see you."

When he felt a hand on his own the blonde flinched back, instantly guilt ridden when he realized it was his mother's. "Haruki… what happened?" 

He shook his head, looking down shamefully. "You'll hate me."

The woman shook her head just as he heard the door open, and Sakio came into view. 

"They said they'll transfer him to an exclusionary floor so that you'll need clearance to vis– You're awake?"

The honey blonde didn't even get a chance to nod before his oldest sister had snatched him into a tight embrace, and soon the rest of them had followed in smothering him.

"We love you, you idiot."

"No matter what you do."

"So what happened Haru?" 

The honey blonde remained still as they all embraced him, amazed by how much they still cared even after Kaede cut him off from them.  _ He'd _ said they all secretly hated him, thought he was an embarrassment because he was queer. And  _ he _ had always been right. 

Until now. 

"I'm… scared of Kaede." He softly admitted, the words struggling to find their way to him. "I can't remember the last time I felt like I loved him." Haruki's voice was trembling, his body tense. "Every day is the same exact thing. More pain. More self loathing. More loneliness. More… more of a voice that tells me that if I really wanted to get away from him so badly then I should just kill myself because it's the only way I could be free while keeping you all safe." He couldn't see the reactions of his sisters or mother, but they squeezed him tighter as he shook. "Even now that voice is telling me that I need to end it all properly, kill myself in a way that no one can save me from because Kaede won't let this go twice." Tears trickled down his face and into his lap, and the honey blonde whimpered. "Mama… it hurt so much… I threw up and there was blood a-and I couldn't stop shaking and it wouldn't stop… I don't wanna hurt like that ever again, but– but I can't keep living like this…!" The honey blonde was sobbing now, fruitlessly wiping his eyes as more liquid pain poured out of him. He was a disgrace. Had to be after all that. Haruki pulled back a bit and the women let him go, and he was completely unable to meet their gazes as he hiccupped. "Mom… mama I'm sorry…"

Soft hands cupped his cheeks and pulled his gaze up into the even softer honey gold eyes of his mother - the same honey gold as his.

"Haruki… you've always been so eager to help everyone that was hurting, no matter what. I hadn't realized how much things had… changed between you and Kaede since you two were in school together, but it's clear that you're hurting now." She smiled, gently rubbing circles into his cheeks with her thumbs. "So let us help  _ you _ this time."

Sakio poked her head out from behind their mother and grinned. "You can pay me back later by babysitting once I have kids."

Chiho followed after her. "And by helping me study for college exams." 

Sayaka was next, her face a dark red as he looked away. "A-and… by helping me… pickoutaweddingdresssomeday! There, I said it. Leave me alone."

His eyes widened as his lip quivered. "There's… no catch?" 

"Why would there be a catch Haru? We love you."

"Kaede just– he made me believe you all hated me."

"Well he was wrong. Get used to him having stupid and wrong opinions."

When he was discharged, Haruki was armed with a burner phone and a plan. 


	7. Leaving

The seventh time was a month later. Things had been packed discreetly, plans had been made, and Haruki now knew the truth: every threat on his family had been an empty one, Kaede hadn't even approached them until the time Haruki ran. 

They'd never been hurt because of him. 

  
  


That was what he kept telling himself that night as he waited for the message from Sakio's friend, the one that she'd called while he was still hospitalized. 

She'd never actually explained how she knew him now that he thought about it, but Haruki was going to be staying with him until he could get a place of his own. 

They would be safe.  _ He _ wouldn't hurt them.  _ He _ was just a coward who lied and threatened others to keep them around. 

Then suddenly, it came. 

**Yatake Koji**

I'm here

Everything is already in the back seat

My headlights are on

  
  


With that the honey blonde stood, carefully walking out of the bedroom and to the front door before glancing back.  _ He _ was still sleeping. 

Taking a deep breath, Haruki opened the door and stepped out. 

One step after the other he urged himself onwards, slowly gaining speed with each passing second until he was running, taking the stairs two at a time and before long he stood in front of the passenger door of this Yatake's car, panting as he stared.

This was his way out. His true escape. 

Haruki lightly tapped on the window before getting inside. 

"You're Sakio-san's brother, right?" 

"Yeah. Thank you, again. You don't even know me, but…"

Yatake started the car as if to cut him off, and neither of them spoke again until he was driving. "If I can help, then I'm going to no matter what." Then the man grinned. "You're her younger brother yeah? How old are you?" 

"Ah…" It had been a little while since he'd  _ actually _ thought about his age. "I'll be 21 in July."

"Seriously?! How old is  _ she _ , then?!" 

"Twenty-five."

  
  
  


He and Yatake got along well, so much so that they'd spoken almost nonstop through most of the ride. 

"Hey, do you want me to cut your hair tomorrow?" 

"Eh?" 

"I mean, not to be rude, but it looks like a rat's nest. Plus you're starting fresh; nothing better than a haircut for that." They'd passed through the city, and now seemed to be in a more residential area. "I'm sure you'll probably wanna pass out as soon as we get to the house, so… tomorrow?" 

Haruki stared at him wide-eyed for a few moments as they hit a red light before nodding, smiling as his face flushed a bit. "Please."

Yatake had picked that exact moment to check on him, and just as quickly as he had looked over the man's eyes returned straight ahead at the road, knuckles white with how tightly he gripped the wheel. It was a peculiar contrast to his now red cheeks. 

"Sheesh, you've got a really nice smile y'know? You should use it more often."

His own face still a bit red, Haruki beamed. 


End file.
